Can You Remember What This Feels Like?
by false-illusions
Summary: Currently on hiatus, will be continued soon! An Equals Fanfic: Months have passed since Nia and Silas have escaped from the restrictive society of the Collective, see what they find in this new world. How will things turn out for them with the circumstances they've found themselves in? - an imaginative continuation -
1. Chapter 1

**IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE, BE WARNED THAT THIS CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS. I HIGHLY ENCOURAGE YOU TO SEE THE MOVIE FIRST - IN A THEATER NEAR YOU IF POSSIBLE.**

 ** _This is how I see their story's continuation, so go easy._**

 ** _And, thanks for taking the time!_**

 **I don't own the characters, they own me.  
**

* * *

After going through the text once more for at least the third time tonight, Nia lets out a breathy sigh and saves the document before shutting off her computer. Having to stay later than usual due to another manuscript she had to edit, Nia will have to resort to taking the bus tonight instead of walking home.

She turns her chair slightly to the right where Yen, a co-worker whom she has befriended, is still very much absorbed in the illustrations on her own computer screen. "I'm done for tonight, Yen. You heading out soon?"

Tearing her attention away from her work for a moment, Yen shrugs and reaches over to give Nia a brief hug.

Not having been used to gestures like this from other people, Nia's first couple of weeks in her new job found her a bit tense with the sense of community her new environment seems to share all the time - a stark contrast to the air of triteness her former workplace provided, but as soon as she has warmed up to Yen, Nia has been well on her way to returning friendly affections such as hugs.

"Gotta finish these first." Yen pulls away and turns back to her screen. "You take care, Nia. And, don't forget to bundle up."

"You, too. See you."

Nia gathers her things and puts on her bright red coat, which in its largeness – a couple sizes larger than she is – swallows up her upper body and extends down to her jean covered knees, a gray beanie and a pair of knitted mitts; just some of the things she used to go without, but has now become a necessity especially when the cold season began a few weeks earlier. The thermal clothes Nia has always been accustomed to seems plain and bleak as compared to the new ones she has now, but they were admittedly less complicated. She's still trying to get the hang of _this_ life, and the several different types of clothing that's suited for whatever season and for hercondition is just one of the many things Nia is still learning about.

Usually, she is off work by late afternoon, with the sky still transitioning from deep oranges and dark mauves to the early evening shades, but the extra workload from today kept Nia from her routine, so as soon as she steps out of the building and onto the snow-covered streets of the city, two things are at once immediate. First, it's the biting chill of the wintry night that sends a shiver down Nia's spine, and without another thought, she instantly pulls her coat tighter to her middle.

But, not even the cold atmosphere can deter Nia from marveling at the sight before her: countless tiny lights adorning the stores, lampposts, and trees, and illuminating the stark white surroundings with their many different colors. She has only read about it in books and seen it in pictures, and just recently, heard about from her colleagues, but Nia is sure that this Christmas season is just about the most delightful event she has ever witnessed. Thanksgiving last month was fun and definitely filling as another friend from work invited them over to their house, and Nia sure had a lot to be thankful for, but it definitely didn't offer the warmth and sheer _light_ ness that Christmas seemed to bring with it.

Her first year out of the borders has brought about so many changes in her life, all of them overwhelming at first, but she has learned to take all of them in stride. Reaching into her coat pocket, she pulls out her phone.

 **Have you had the chance to see the streets lit up at night? They all make me feel so warm and elated that it's like I'm being lit up from the inside as well.**

Deeming her message suffice an explanation for what she feels right at that moment, Nia presses send and saunters over to the bus stop. There, she exchanges warm smiles with an aging woman and a teenage boy. Her phone buzzes.

 _Silas._

 _ **I haven't, but we can take a walk around the city tomorrow evening if you're up for it.**_

Nia's smile as she reads the message is so big it makes her cheeks hurt from both the cold and the exertion. She knows emotions are yet to be part of him again, but she's willing to hope that it's his awareness of what he used to feel that makes him always _try_ \- for her and for them.

It has taken a lot of getting used to, this emotionally closed-off Silas, the version that she only knew before as her co-worker, just another faceless name among the crowd. There are days when she can't help but question it, her reason for staying with him – it has been months, after all – but Nia only has to remind herself the reason why he did what he did in the first place, and of the promises she made in those last moments. He's here with her, and that is what matters.

 **Of course, I am. And I have an appointment with Dr. Richards; she can give us important news tomorrow. Bus is here. I'll see you in a few.**

The bus is fairly empty as Nia boards, and so eager is she to reach home that she immediately takes a seat towards the front, by the window where she can continue looking at the lights outside. Nia's sure Silas would have been enthralled by the same sight if he was here right now, but she has asked him to head home without her earlier - with his workplace located not really far from hers, he would always wait for her to be finished so they could walk home together, no longer afraid to be seen together in public.

Though at the same time, Nia also finds relief in not having to walk home tonight. The apartment that she now shares with Silas is only several minutes away on foot, even lesser time when using the bus, and while her work here is not so different from the one she used to have in Atmos that it shouldn't be so demanding, having to grow another person inside of her isn't exactly something that she has experienced before.

Disentangling the knot on her coat, Nia reveals her protruding stomach kept warm still by her beige wool sweater. Nia can't wait for the day that she can finally see her child - whether he or she would have blue eyes like their father, or green like hers - to hear their cries as they first come into this world, and to hold in her arms this life that she and Silas have created together. Whenever those thoughts cross her mind, warmth spreads all throughout Nia – it's a million times better than how the lights outside can make her feel.

The bus stops, interrupting Nia from her thoughts, and she watches as a man, a woman, and a young girl who seems to be their daughter board and sit across from her.

The twinkling lights outside all forgotten, Nia observes with wonder as the parents interact with their child - whispering to her ear, making her giggle uncontrollably, and placing light kisses all over her face - and she gleefully imagines her own family sharing the same joy.

But all throughout, Nia also takes notice as the man and woman subtly exchange their affection towards each other - the briefest of glances, the lightest of touches, and every brush of the man's lips to whatever part of the woman's face he could reach; they're all so fleeting and would seem insignificant to anyone who isn't paying enough attention, but Nia knows just how meaningful and loaded each and every contact meant for the lovers – for under very different circumstances before, she was able to experience the thrill of it all.

As a familiar gut-wrenching feeling comes to settle deep within her once again, something that seems to bloom every time a pair of lovers are nearby, Nia forces her eyes away from the happy family and settles on looking out the landscape of the city as it passes by in blurs of different colors, highlighting the white blanket that lays over everything in sight.

It reminds her of all the times Silas has made everything else an insignificant blur while under white blankets as he made love to and with her. During those moments, nothing else existed but the two of them. But, the couple of months with this new life have made very little difference to Silas and his cure. Not that they haven't tried, but they can only go so far as kissing, hugging and holding each other, all of which are strained and calculated on his part, acted upon routine and obligation instead of due to impulse and reaction.

Though she's aware of how fortunate the odds have been for them to make it out of the borders safely and together, Nia sometimes gives in to the thought of a future with an eternally emotionless Silas. It scares her to think that he'll never be able to reciprocate in their love the way that he used to.

But nothing scares Nia more than the thought of not being able to give to their child the family they deserve: warm, affectionate, and loving.

Silas appears from the dining area as soon as Nia's inside their door to greet her home, a blank expression on his face instead of the thrilled and intense look he used to have when they were sneaking into each other's old apartments. He readily helps her out of her coat, and puts it on the hanger .

"Welcome home, Nia," he says in a flat tone, turning to her before planting a quick kiss on her cheek, an old gesture. "I hope you're hungry, I cooked your favorite."

The mouthwatering smell of stew permeating the air reminds Nia that she hasn't eaten since lunchtime and her stomach growls as she pulls off her beanie. "I am. And, so is the little person in here." She reaches for his hand and places it on her bulge.

Silas only stares at the hand on Nia's stomach; his fingers caressing it lightly are enough proof to Nia that he would bask in bliss with her if he only could.

With the hand that's already on her, she pulls him nearer, closing what little distance there is between them, and reaches up on her toes to touch her face to his. It's only when she feels Silas' arms embracing her back that she lets out a shuddering breath of relief.

"I love you," he whispers, the monotone in his voice a perfect contrast to the conviction his words so desperately want to convey. "Please don't ever forget that."

"I won't."

* * *

 **So? What do you guys think?**

 **I know this is kinda short but next chapter will be up soon :) I'm almost done writing the 4th chapter so no worries!**

 **Thank you all, and thanks to my friends over on twitter for encouraging this little project (and pushing my ass when I get lazy and/or unimaginative), especially Kiera for helping me on research and naming and lots of other stuff. Love you all.**

 **Hmu on twitter, kstewartvevo.**


	2. Chapter 2

**HELLO! Sorry this took some time to post - I guess I suck at updating, and I just figured out how to update using my phone LOL. The next two chapters are ready and I'll try to put them out here in between my classes.**

 **Thanks for taking the time to read, and I would very much appreciate reviews :) Friendly reminder that I don't own these characters, it's the other way around.**

* * *

"Right there?" Silas' voice, deep and low, calls out from behind her. "Does it feel good?"

" _Yes_." Nia breathes heavily through her mouth, the steam created by the warm water makes the air heavy, yet it only helps to add more pleasure to what Silas is doing to her right now. Her bottom lip has become a permanent fixture between her teeth every time this happens.

She can feel it everywhere as his fingers trail along her spine, leaving a hot wake as they go along; the water not doing anything to douse the fire. As soon as he finds her spot, Silas would push and pull 'til he has it undone.

Her whimpers and groans get louder and breathier as he increases the pressure, pushing even harder. "Almost…there," he whispers. And with a couple more push and pulls, Nia feels herself let go and relax; his arms wind around her bare torso not a moment too soon, pulling her towards him – her back to his chest.

"You give the best massages," Nia tells Silas, turning around in his arms to face him before planting a kiss on the spot over his heart. "Thank you for taking care of me."

Silas shuts off the shower and plants a kiss on the top of her head. "You don't need to thank me, but you're welcome.

"You worked too hard today, that's why your muscles were more tense, tougher than ever." His voice and facial expression never wavered with any emotion, but Nia found amusement in the idea of imagining how his face would have looked like: a crease between his eyebrows would appear, his lips would be set straight as if in a slight frown, and he'd look at her with those blue eyes – eyes that would always be gentle and loving towards Nia despite his worry.

Stretching up on the tip of her toes, Nia touches her lips to his in assurance. "I'm fine, sweetheart. The worst that could happen when I work as much as I did today was my ass would ache from all the sitting that I've done," she tells him with a chuckle.

Nia intended her words to ease his worries, but they seem to have the opposite effect on Silas. "It isn't just _you_ now, you know." He then pulls away, leaving Nia frozen on the spot from the coldness his seemingly impassive words brought to her as he steps out of the shower stall. Silas grabs a towel and ties it around his waist before reaching for another one for Nia.

"Let's get you dried before you catch a cold," he says, turning around and opening the towel for her. His eyes refuse to meet hers.

As if waking up from a trance, Nia is suddenly bristling with anger. She has rarely ever been mad at Silas; sad and heartbroken and longing, yes, but rarely mad – if someone asks Nia how many time he has infuriated her, she could count them with a single hand.

Grabbing the towel roughly from his hands, Nia begins to dry herself up on her own before wrapping it around her body. When she steps out of the stall, Nia makes sure that not an inch of her skin touches his, then proceeds out to their bedroom, leaving Silas staring at her retreating form.

He finds her in the closet, slipping into one of his night shirts, one that's still too large on her petite frame, yet he can still make out the outline of her growing stomach - their growing child. Silas doesn't know where his words from a while ago came from, just that he wants to make sure no harm comes to either her or their baby, and there is something else... His words have hurt her - that he is sure of; it's just so unfair how he's unable to feel anything. He should be full of remorse at what he said and anger towards himself right now, but there's _nothing._

Silas silently reaches for a pair of cotton pants, deep in thought as to how he can express his sincerest apologies to her. He knows that Nia is aware of his presence there, not just because of the small space, but also because she just does, instinctively, yet she won't even turn to face him.

"Nia?"

Well-aware that Silas is watching as she finishes the buttons on the shirt, Nia counts slowly to ten before she responds, eyes fixated somewhere else. "Save it, Silas. I've heard enough for one night." And, for the second time tonight, Nia walks out on him. She climbs onto their bed, cocoons herself under the thick blankets, and reaches for her bedside lamp, turning off her light without even a glance _good night_ to Silas.

Silas stands there for a minute or two, maybe longer, and decides on two things: one, he deserves her anger, and two, she needs some space from him tonight, something he is aware would hurt his very soul if he only is able to feel it.

He ambles towards the bed, towering over Nia's sleeping form. Though void of any emotion, Silas can't help but wonder at how she used to make him feel, how her mere presence could make the rest of the world seem to cease from existence. From day one, she gave him a semblance of reason: to wake up, to continue on with life, to embrace the "sickness" and all that came with it, yet she is also the reason he got the cure in the first place. Nia is everything and nothing.

The sliver of a light from somewhere outside their window casts a faint glow over her face, revealing a slight frown on the corner of her mouth. Somewhere deep inside, the idea of hurting her tonight also causes him pain. Crouching down, he touches his lips to her forehead, mumbling a whispered "sorry" before straightening up and heading out of their room to sleep on their couch.

Tomorrow he'll apologize. He'll tell her how sorry he truly is, and then he'll make pancakes for her, and watch the lights in the city with her at night.

* * *

 **Guess Silas got himself in trouble, eh? Can we blame him or is Nia's reaction well-deserved?**

 **Thanks, again and see you soon!**

 **hmu on twitter: kstewartvevo :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**YAY! UPDATE! You know what that means? I must get on with writing chapter 5 LOL.**

 **Okay, may I just warn y'all that the first part of this chapter deals with a sensitive topic.**

 _ **I don't own these character, it's the other way around :)**_

* * *

I lie on my back in Dr. Richards' clinic, ready for my regular pre-natal check-up. Dr. Richards has her back to me as she prepares the apparatus needed. According to my last few check-ups, I'm already five months along, and today, it's finally a possibility to find out my child's sex – and I will.

Anxious as I feel at the moment, I can only imagine what Silas _could_ be feeling right now - under different circumstances, of course; the nurse at the reception area has not allowed him entry into the private room, an unusual gesture since the clinic typically is very accommodating. We tried to reason out, plead even, for both Silas and I are reluctant to be apart when it concerns our child, even more on a significant day like today. But rules are rules and he is the first one to have given in, a move that seems too familiar coming from him. I have been on edge since the moment I left his side, though I'm uncertain whether it's because of being away from Silas physically, or because of the still unresolved conflict between us caused by his uncalled remark from last night.

Or maybe, the ambiance of the room is what has been keeping me restless; stark white walls and too sharp edges on the furniture, they're all reminders of a place – and a life – I never want to come back to. It's a strange thing, however, because the last time I was here, the walls were lavender and the pieces of furniture were in various hues of blue, colors that were " _soothing and comfortable"_ as Dr. Richards herself had told me.

"Pull up your shirt, please," she orders, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I do as she says and Dr. Richards immediately spreads the cool, transparent gel all over my stomach – the sudden chill on my skin causing goosebumps to break all over my body no matter how many times I do this.

With rapt attention, I watch the sonogram, waiting for that instantaneous noise that signifies my child's heartbeat, as the wand moves over my bump. Nothing registers and I can already feel my skin prickle as I count to ten, my eyes flitting from the sonogram to Dr. Richards, whose agitatedly shaking head does not provide me any comfort.

She halts her movements, straightens herself, and turns away to switch off the machine, leaving me confused and scared as to what has happened and what _is_ happening.

"Doctor? W-what just happened? Why did you stop? I haven't heard anything, yet w-". My voice comes out shaky in panic.

"Nia," Dr. Richards says, turning to face me once again - her face so grim it tells me everything I do not want to know. My insides seem to be twisting amongst themselves, lungs faltering, heart pounding, and stomach churning. "There's nothing to hear –"

"No," I hear myself whisper.

"─ there's no heartbeat…something must have gone wrong, a heart failure…" Her words become a jumble of meaningless noise as one of my hands finds its way to the bulge on my midsection – my _child._

My child isn't dead. Dr. Richards is lying: her machine has been the one that failed, _not_ the heart of my child.

No. No. No. No.

"– gonna need to perform a surgery to get the fetus out of you as soon as possible –"

Tears – from anger and confusion - fall unchecked down my face as my head turns so fast to where Dr. Richards is, wondering what the hell she's talking about. From the way she looks back at me, filled with pity and sadness, it's as if she actually believes everything that she has told me.

No.

 _Deep breaths, Nia._

"I'm sorry, N-"

 _No._ No. NO.

"NO!"

Nia sits up so suddenly from her slumber - eyes still damp from tears, heart pounding, and lungs heaving quick, shallow breaths. Darkness envelops her except for the light coming from the ajar closet door across the room – _their_ closet door. Realization sets in and Nia reaches for her bedside lamp, turning it on and illuminating their bedroom; it has all been just a dream, she has not been to the clinic, hasn't gone in for her checkup, her child isn't –

Her hand flies to her stomach, under the hem of her – _Silas' –_ shirt and runs her hand over it. With her heartbeat that still has not returned to normal and her emotions still running high, the slight movement that seems to be a response to her touch gives way to another round of tears. Relief washing over her rigid form, triggering a somehow cathartic release from the absolute fear the too vivid dream left her mind shrouded in. She wraps her arms around herself and lies back down, curling into a ball as sob after sob rocks her slight frame.

Having gone asleep terribly upset and hurt over Silas' unexpected little episode in the shower, the stress has been too much for Nia, and with his side of the bed empty and appearing to not having been slept in, she feels as if it must have been too much for him as well.

 _I love you. Please don't ever forget that._

His words from the past evening come rushing back to her, but instead of giving the comfort and reassurance that she desperately seeks at the moment, they serve to confuse her even more – for how could Silas imply such a thing to her _if_ he did love her, even if it only is intellectually? Was her dream provoked by the accusation behind his words and the never banished fear of losing her unborn child during a much darker time from before?

Down the hall, in the living room, Silas lies supine on the couch. Not used to sleeping without Nia's warmth beside him anymore, he has been drifting in and out of sleep for the last few hours; his consciousness not entirely awake, but sentient enough to continue mulling over his tactless words to Nia. Everything but his breathing, the constant rustling of his blanket and creaking of the couch beneath him, is silent, and provided some sort of restless feel to the environment.

It is during one moment of this stillness and daze that a faint sound of sobbing completely pulls Silas out of his head. He sits up and listens, completely alert. A woman – no, not just _any_ woman; it's Nia's cries that has awaken Silas.

He immediately scrambles off the sofa and onto his feet, hurrying towards the direction of their bedroom where Nia lays alone. But, before Silas can even open the door, it's pulled open and a disoriented-looking Nia steps out – tears running down her face unchecked, chest heaving as she takes deep breaths as if trying to calm herself down – her eyes, red and puffy from crying, growing big as they find his. Next thing he knows, she's wrapping herself around him and burrowing her face into his chest.

His arms are around her in no time, feeling her frame shake with every heaving breath that she takes. Silas longs to learn what has caused Nia to be like this, a part of him entertaining the idea that someone has broken into their apartment, just like in the books he has read, and thus making Nia panic, but that is impossible for they live in a very secure building and there is no way anyone could have broken into their room without alerting him.

"Nia?" he says, his voice coming out with a touch of gentleness to it, trying to pull away by some to get a good look on her face, but Nia's arms tighten their hold on him, refusing to let go even for the smallest distance. This serves to assure Silas that his theory of a break-in is incorrect.

"Don't, please." He hears her muffled plea. Her voice sounding so broken and vulnerable, that all he could do right then and there is to pull Nia to him as close he possibly can given the circumstances, and just give her the comfort she seeks in his embrace. For an endless moment, the two of them just stand there, locked in each other's hold, with Nia's face nestled against Silas' chest, and his lips touching and never leaving her skin.

Her breathing eventually returns to normal. Now all cried out and calmed by the closeness of him, the tension lifts from Nia, leaving her drained that if it isn't for Silas supporting her, she would have been a lying heap on the floor.

"Do you want to lie down?" Silas asks, his arms lifting Nia off her feet seemingly with no effort. "I'll take you back to our bed."

She nods faintly against his neck, nuzzling the skin with her nose and placing a tender kiss there.

Even as Silas has laid her on their bed, the way Nia's arms grasp him doesn't yield, but instead she clings even more firmly, so he lies beside her and gathers Nia in his arms. The very moment she takes her place in them, tucked into his side with her head and a hand on his chest, a sort of wholeness comes into his mind. But he still isn't able to shut his mind until he knows what is eating at Nia.

He runs his hand through her hair and over her back, following a soothing pattern before he settles his hand on her arm, his thumb making circles over the thin material. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Nia's lithe form suddenly stiffens against him, yet she keeps quiet.

"You don't need to tell me, Nia. What you need is rest, and I'll be right here" _for anything._ Without intending to, Silas begins to hum a hushed, gentle tune, surprising himself, but he continues nonetheless, until he senses that all the tension once again leaves Nia's frame.

Thinking that she has finally drifted off to sleep, Silas reaches to turn the nightlight off, trying not to rouse Nia, but her voice makes him halt.

"I dreamt about our baby…" she whispers.

Silas is puzzled. How can dreaming about their baby frighten her so much?

"I…dreamt that…our baby was…gone." With the way her already hushed voice still cracks on the last word, Silas knows that a burglar breaking into their apartment has nothing on Nia's nightmare. He feels nothing save for the curiosity that nestles in his consciousness.

Silas turns them over, flipping Nia on her back with tenderness before hovering over her form; their closeness so reminiscent of old times that if Nia closes her eyes, she can pretend that everything is good in the world.

More tears spill from her shut eyes, especially when she feels his touch on her cheeks, lips on her tear-streaked face, on her lids – his lips on hers. It's all too soon when he pulls away.

She opens her eyes to find his staring, searching – just like the way he used to before he even contracted SOS. One of her hands finds its way to the back of his neck, pulling his face down to hers, keeping him _so_ close that they're practically breathing the same air.

"I wish I could feel," he murmurs, their noses touching, skimming against each other's. "Every single moment, I want to feel – to experience all…this," his hand touches her stomach, "…experience all of it with you. I don't know how to comfort you when you're hurting or sad like how you are right now, and I don't know how to _be_ happy and excited with you…but Nia, I wish I could. More than anything, I _wish_ I would wake up one morning and have that back…"

She pushes his face away slightly so as to catch his eyes, yet they wouldn't catch her gaze. "Silas, listen –" she says.

"Don't tell me you it's not something you want, Nia. I may not feel, but I _know._ "

"Listen to me," she commands, her voice growing stronger, but his eyes – as blank and distant as they are – finally find hers. "I'd be lying to both of us if I say that, and no, I never intend to tell you that. To have you be rid of this…this _cure,_ I want it – I want it _so_ bad.

"But more than that, I just want _you._ I'd rather you're with me and cured than not have you with me at all. Had you changed your mind that morning and decided not to leave with me, I would still go on – for me and for our child – but I'd be half the person I am right now."

Nia takes a shuddering breath, and shuts her eyes close. "I'm scared, Silas. I'm scared of what the future holds for us, but above all those fears, nothing's greater than the fear from losing you or our child. We'll work through this, no matter how difficult it becomes. We'll make it work."

Pulling his face towards hers once more, Nia places another lingering kiss on his lips – first unmoving, but after a few beats shifting against hers and allowing her in. She lets herself have a moment or two, lifting her head as she pulls him impossibly closer and deepening the kiss, but even though she knows this is all she'll get, Nia doesn't let up until her face is flushed and her breaths are coming out short.

"Ready to sleep now?" he asks, and she can't help but wonder at how unaffected he looks yet have lips so red and a little swollen from her kiss.

"Only if you're staying here."

"My mind won't allow me rest elsewhere," Silas tells Nia as he moves to settle beside her, pulling her close as she takes her place on his chest.

The darkness envelops the room save for some light from outside their window, but unlike earlier, it brings a sense of comfort for both of them.

"I love you, you know," Nia says and places a light kiss over his chest.

"I know."

* * *

 **Yeah, I wouldn't that to Nia.**

 **ALSO, NICHOLAS HOULT IS COMING TO MANILA I'M STILL SO HAPPY (and hoping that he'll actually be at he convention the ONE DAY I'm free T.T)**

 **Share your thoughts with me by hitting that review button? Hmu on twitter kstewartvevo.**

 **See you soon!**


	4. Chapter 4

**I wanna apologize for this chapter taking so long to be posted. I wasn't content with how it went and Kiera heard all about it (thank you endlessly for pushing my ass on this), and I have been (still am, actually) with my thesis & all things about college. Thanks for sticking around and for reviewing, I appreciate y'all so much.**

 ** _I don't own the characters, they own me._**

* * *

Nia is already awake when Silas comes into their room to check on her, but she's quiet as she lies on her side, staring out the window, pondering to herself. The bed dips as he sits near her, and she turns slightly to face him, all the stress from last night gone and replaced with a small but peaceful smile.

"You know I hate waking up without you here," Nia mumbles, extending a hand to reach out to him.

Tentatively, he takes it in his much larger hand – observant as always when they do this, as their fingers meet and tangle. "Forgive me. I decided to make you breakfast since I was already awake."

She nods minutely at this and, using his hand that she's holding as leverage, pulls herself upright, kneeling beside him and taking his face between her hands before planting a kiss right on his lips, lingering there for a couple of moments, and then planting tender kisses on the tip of his nose, his eyelids and his forehead.

"Thank you," she breathes. "For last night and for making breakfast – I'm hungry." Nia climbs off the bed, pulling down the shirt she's wearing as it rides up and exposes her bulge as she goes for the door. Silas suddenly remembers that he has something to tell her.

He finds her in their dining room that also doubles as their kitchen, setting two plates and filling them with the scrambled eggs that he made.

"Nia."

She halts her actions and looks at him curiously.

"There's something I must tell you."

Silas sees the sudden apprehension materialize on Nia's features, and he quickly assures her that it's nothing she needs to worry about. Or so he thinks.

He walks around the counter to where Nia stands and tries to give her a smile. "I just have to apologize for what I said to you last night, while we were in the shower."

The furrow between Nia's eyebrows disappears and the worry on her delicate face morphs into one of wonder.

"I hurt you with my words and I am sorry." Silas voice trails off yet his eyes stay trained on Nia's, and she's trying to read into them – she can make herself believe that that his deep blue eyes hold some meaning to them, but they remained vacant despite the sentiments.

A small part of her becomes hopeful, as an argument between them is rare, one Silas has caused even rarer. And, although Nia has heard him apologize before, it has always been about his getting the cure. This one is new.

But, a bigger part of her, the rational one, the part of her that is too familiar with loneliness, also knows she needs to tread carefully. "Is that it?"

He only continues to stare at her. "I don't think I understand, Nia."

Taking a moment to collect her thoughts, she gives him a small, uncertain smile. "What I mean is, are you apologizing for something more or simply because you know that I got upset by what you said?"

The flicker of hope in Nia instantly dies as Silas' eyes left hers; it's clear now that his apology is only triggered by her anger, and possibly even the thought that it is he who has caused her distress in sleep.

"We should have breakfast now or else we'll both be late for work."

The morning goes on according to their routine: taking turns in the shower, dressing up for work – Silas has gotten a job at an advertising company; without need for graphic illustrators at the firm where Nia is working as a writer, he fortunately chanced upon something similar to his job at Atmos before – and just before Nia gets off the bus on her stop, they agree to meet outside of her building earlier than usual for her monthly check-up.

She kisses Silas' cheek just as the bus comes to a halt. "I'll see you later."

During breaks, the people at Silas' department come to eat together at what they call as the lounge; its open area in the building reminds Silas of the lunch area Atmos has, but similarities ended there. Several times he has been to the lounge, there's always soft yet cheerful music playing, stalls offering a considerable variety of food are set up, and several tables, large enough for ten, are located. Obviously, it's designed for the employees to socialize and mingle with one another.

"Will you lend me the recipe for the ginger cookies you brought last week, Maia? My wife has been talking about it non-stop."

"Sure, Rod. Cravings, huh?"

In the department where he works, everyone seems to have known each other for years, displaying familiarity and convenience whether inside or outside their office, a fact that could be intimidating for any normal person, but not in Silas' case. He keeps to himself most of the time, even after he has been invited to join and now regularly sits with them; on their part, they have been cautious at first, uncertain with how to interact with him and deal with his detached nature – the people here, they know of the Collective, some of them also were part of it themselves at one point and got away just like he and Nia had, but to have an actual Equals here has never occurred before. It can be said that they're also friends more than just co-workers with Silas, but that's mostly thanks to Nia and her visits.

"For the last few weeks, Nia regularly would get up at midnight just to fix herself a banana smoothie."

The first couple of times this has happened, with him being roused from sleep by Nia trying to clamber off the bed as warily as possible so as not to wake him up, he checked up on her and found her using a blender to make the concoction. By the third or fourth time she got up late at night, he surprised her by walking into the kitchen and fixing it himself, with a very amused Nia giving directions on how to make it _just right._ For the record, Silas tried the drink and it tasted the same as any banana smoothie he has had – he pointed this out to Nia, and the amusement immediately fell off her face and got replaced by a glare directed at him. Silas has since known better. Even when Nia's penchants have become a little strange.

"But the other day, she insisted that we stop by the grocery to pick up a jar of pickle relish; she snacks on that with her banana smoothie," narrates Silas, looking around at the faces of his coworkers – their expressions ranged from shocked to delighted. He would have laughed if he had it in him.

"Pickle relish and bananas, eh? I was hooked on tomatoes and chocolates when I was pregnant with the twins; it drove Charles crazy," a woman adds.

His co-workers all laugh at the remark, and banter over who has had the strangest of cravings among the mothers and their partners; Silas silently observes, gives his opinion when they ask – and they do, mostly about Nia.

Glancing at his watch, Silas notices that there's half an hour before the time that he and Nia agreed to meet at. With seemingly measured movements, he turns his interface off and proceeds to collect his bag by the corner of his booth, getting ready to leave. He bids goodbye to anyone as he passes by them, and stands to wait by the elevator. He gets in as soon as the lift arrives, a familiar face standing by the corner greets him.

* * *

 **Who could it be?**

 **Thanks for reading and thank you even more for reviewing (sign in so I could reply - even tho I suck at that, too - or tell me your twitter so we can chat about your insights!).**


	5. Chapter 5

**Blame the writer's block. I've been away too long so I'll let you get to it. See me at the bottom!**

 _ **I don't own the characters, I just extend their story.**_

* * *

Unlike in Nia's dreams the night before, the room where her check-ups are held are bathed in purple and blue, and Silas is by her side; one of her hands clasped his firmly and his thumb makes soothing circles on her skin, though he doesn't even seem aware of this. Though still quite anxious because of what she has dreamt of, Nia's fears are forgotten as soon as the sonogram has shown her baby that's growing inside her – her attention divided between the visuals on screen, and Silas' face as he stared at the distorted shape that is their baby.

"The baby's perfectly healthy, and the growth is perfect for a five-month old," Dr. Richards says, calling the attention of both Nia and Silas. And, unlike in her dream, instead of the grim expression that Dr. Richards has graced her with, the friendly smile she now offers relieves Nia more than she can explain.

Removing the wand from Nia's stomach, Dr. Richards proceeds to remove her gloves and reaches for the folder containing Nia's file. "You haven't experienced any sudden pain or bleeding in the last month, any complications, have you Nia?"

It has scared Nia to no end when the good doctor mentioned during one of the first checkups how some pregnancies can be tough for both the mother and the baby, and that her case is special in itself considering that she was already ten weeks along without any supplements and has just gotten out of a very stressful environment. Thankfully, aside from exhaustion and tight muscles when she works a little too hard, the physical state of both her and the baby has been without difficulty.

"I've been quite well, Doc."

"No tightness in your abdomen?" Nia shakes her head with a small smile, and Dr. Richards checks something off on her chart, muttering " _good, that's good to hear"._

Nia turns to find Silas' eyes still trained at the frozen image that the sonogram still displays, sending warmth throughout her.

"Your vitals, however, tell me that you're in distress…" the doctor's words, delivered with concern yet still sounding so professional pulls Nia out of her thoughts. "It's not my place to ask why, but whatever stressful matter you're going through, it can affect your pregnancy."

She nods in understanding as Silas speaks from her side. "Dr. Richards, there's something I want to know."

This is a common occurrence for every checkup that they've been to; Silas always has one or two questions regarding vitamins and the dietary requirement for Nia's pregnancy. But Nia feels this may be a little different than his usual inquiry. When they met earlier to go to the clinic, Silas had been more quiet than usual, lost in his thoughts though he did ask how she's been and held her hand in his as they walked.

"Go ahead, Silas."

He looks to Nia, then to her exposed stomach. "There is a possibility that our baby might be born _switched-off_ , correct?"

Nia's face drains of color. "Silas – "

Since arriving at this city and adapting into their new life, co-habiting with a stranger-like partner, learning to socialize and adjusting to her condition, this is one concern that has never occurred to Nia. Yes, every day she worries about her child, of their health and of the family they'll be born into, on top of thinking whether her partner will ever be back, but she never thought of _that_ possibility…

She glances at Dr. Richards for an answer.

"It is possible," Dr. Richards tells them, stern. "There have been cases before wherein _switched-off_ infants were born even with both parents being switched-on, we've been studying the situation for some time, and we believe that it's an effect of the parents being genetically altered for so long."

Nia's heart pounds.

"The chances are?" Silas prompts.

"Two out of ten. It's low, actually. More infants of two switched-on parents are born with perfectly normal genetics."

"A-and, those infants who are switched-off? How are they now?" It's Nia asking this time.

"This is confidential, but since you need to know they have not made any progress. They are with their families, of course, but no breakthrough has been made."

Silas' eyes have remained on Nia the whole time, his hand firm yet gentle around hers which squeezes back in tension, watching as her face falls while she takes in the information. He may be numb to the world, but seeing Nia this way over and over again for the past few months does not seem right anymore.

"And you chose to withhold this knowledge from us because?" Silas asks Dr. Richards, his voice sounding louder than usual.

Nia barely registers his words, taken aback more by his tone. _Could he…No, no, no._ She turns to their doctor.

"I do admit that is an error on my part, there's no excuse, and I apologize," Dr. Richards answers, sounding contrite.

"So if I had not asked about it, we never would have known?" Silas continues.

Nia's hand around his tightens, silently asking him to stop. She can understand where he's coming from, but they know _now,_ so what else is the point?

"Thank you for telling us, Dr. Richards. It's good that we're now aware," says Nia.

Dr. Richards offers a small smile to Nia. "If it helps at all, I can email you some readings we have regarding _SOS_ and infants. Due to doctor-client confidentiality, I won't be able to give you names, but the extensive studies we have as of now might give you some insight."

"We will appreciate that, Doc."

"Good. Now…would you like to know whether you're having a girl or a boy?"

.

.

.

.

As planned, they walk on the trip home, with Nia indulging on how the city all around them is filled with lights among the seated snow. Silas keeps her hand in his, not wanting her to lose her footing, and tells her how it all resembles some of the stories told by the dilapidated books from their former city.

Stopping by the grocery store to pick up some things for dinner – and also because Nia's banana and pickles supply at home are depleting – the two run into Nia's co-worker, Leslie.

"Hey, Nia. Silas. How's your checkup today?" she asks with a warm smile, grabbing a handful of apples from the display.

"Good evening, Leslie," replies Silas, curt yet pleasant.

"The checkup went well," Nia answers, not really feeling to share more. "You're here with Joy?" she adds, referring to Leslie's partner as she looks around for her favored jar of pickles. Silas spots them first and goes on to place them in their basket.

"No, she's contracted some cold from this weather so I'm gonna make her soup and maybe an apple pie for when she's better."

"That sounds great. Maybe, an apple pie now can make her recover more quickly."

"God, I hope so. She's a grouchy patient."

"I read somewhere that nurses make for bad patients," Silas speaks up from behind Nia.

"I think you meant _doctors,_ but yes, in Joy's case the same principle applies," Leslie deadpans. "Well, I'll be heading off. See you at work tomorrow, Nia. Bye, Silas."

"You take care, Leslie."

Nia resumes her perusal of the goods on display, planning for meals ahead of days is something she and Silas both enjoy – well _she_ does, while it keeps Silas occupied most times – it's not an activity she could have indulged in before, when all her meals were planned by another and she had no choice but to pick from what was handed to her.

She's deliberating between what she craves more for, tomato sauce or pesto, and decides to ask for Silas' opinion. "Which one do you – "

"I saw David earlier today." They speak at the same time.

David is the man Bess had told them about, the one who ran from their city years before either Nia or Silas even came to existence. Bess had assumed David didn't make it, but he has made it here and thrived, raised his own family – Leslie being one of his daughters – and when he heard of travelers coming in from the peninsula, a first since his time, he sought them out. David became their guide of sorts, helping them get settled, and in the process developed an almost fatherly fondness for Nia.

"How is he?" she asks. "I haven't seen him around for a couple weeks. Also, tomato or pesto?"

"Tomato, unless you're craving for pesto. David is fine, he's actually the reason why I brought up the possibility of our child being born _switched-off._ "

Nia breathes deeply as she takes in his words. This is the first time the subject has been brought up since they left the clinic, and the grocery store is definitely not the place to speak of such. "Will you tell me more once we're home? I'm going to need a banana smoothie and pickles for this conversation."

Silas gives her a small smile, a common response when she makes quips like that, and gathers their grocery basket in one hand and hers in the other. "Only if you'll share some with me."

* * *

 **So, yep. It's David that Silas saw in the elevator last chapter, and the nope, we won't know what their baby will be until Nia pops 'em out (rest assured, she ain't having twins).**

 **I apologize for being away, and I'm thankful for every single reviewer and reader!**

 **Some points to notice:**

 **1\. to that one review saying everything should be destroyed, thank you! but I like to believe that because of dystopia, the citizens of the Peninsula were made to believe that there's _nothing_ beyond their place so as to prevent people from trying to leave (also, ****I really can't make them do anything in my head without an established environment such as what's in this fanfic)**

 **2\. we're heading for a time jump! my original plan was for this to tell their story as Nia's pregnancy progresses on a monthly basis but it has clearly taken a different path. I'll be trying to get back on that pace, but it will stay true to the intimacy that we've begun with.**

 **3\. i'll try to get in the next chapter as soon as possible. thank you for your patience and support.**

 **im on twitter as KSTEWARTVEVO. see you soon!**


End file.
